In Dreams

I wonder what Max dreams about.

There are times when he cries out in the middle of the night. His arms or legs thrashing against the sheets and banging into the slats of his crib, maybe he is just awake enough to realize how cold he is, or wonder where a dropped pacifier has gone. There are other times he wakes up completely scared or angry, howling for help and sometimes inconsolable. I wonder what triggered that awakening. I wish I could do more to help him, that the best advice I could find wasn't to help him learn to get himself back to sleep, that there was something useful I could do.

The worst to me though is when he is sleeping, completely out with that creepy super still look that babies can get when they are in a deep sleep, then suddenly he is crying. He doesn't wake up, he doesn't scream, he whimpers a bit and then that turns to these gut wrenching sobs. To me it sounds as if his little heart is breaking and there is nothing I can do about it. He never cries like this when he's awake, they are not like his hunger/pain/anger/whatever cries that I hear throughout a normal day. I actually woke him once, because I couldn't take the sound, and that was a huge mistake. Max doesn't make the transition from sleeping to wakefulness with much grace at the best of times, and that was not one of the best times.

Now when it happens I know that it will pass, and that I just need to leave him to get through it, but I can't help but wonder. As I sit and wait, trying not to let myself dissolve into tears, I wonder what is he dreaming about?